Book excerpt
Slumming India, Chapter 2 - The Great Terrain Robbery
Sickly Cow was feeding at the Municipal Garbage Dump (MGD), its posterior blocking the road. The Lord of Contemporary Urban Development (CUD) happened to pass by. Surprised, The Lord asked “Why are you not in your Meadow?” Surprised, Sickly Cow asked, “My Meadow?” and looked in the direction of Fence. Following its gaze, The Lord said, “Ah! Fence minds your Meadow. It has settled milch cows and quality excreta is used to grow grass and milk sales bring revenue. It has also let in some imported pigs to help it mind your Meadow.”
Just then a car screeched to a screaming halt and, what with all the nervousness on account of The Lord and The Car, Sickly Cow eased itself on the road. Exasperated, The Lord asked, “Why are you not in the Meadow? Why are you obstructing traffic and messing up the place?” Confused, Sickly Cow stammered, “My Lord, but Fence…” The Lord cut it short and said, “Don’t whine about Fence. If you don’t like Fence, change Fence. But leave the MGD and be in the Meadow or… die”. So saying, The Lord left.
Sickly Cow went to Fence and said, “My Lord has said I must be in the Meadow”. Fence rolled its eyes heavenwards and said, “My Lord wants the Moon! The Meadow is full. Chaps here want larger lots and lots for calves and piglets. Even the expansion scheme is full.” Sickly Cow was persistent. “My Lord said otherwise I will die.” Fence was dismissive. “Pah! You are managing fine at the MGD.” Sickly Cow was insistent, “My Lord said you, Fence, are for me and I can change you”. Fence sized up Sickly Cow and said, “Do you have a leader or celebrity to speak for you? Send her over and I will see what I have to do?”
Sickly Cow came away and told all other Sickly Cows what The Lord had said and what Fence had said. Next morning they arrived in hundreds. Fence was alarmed at their numbers. Friends of Fence said not to worry. “They are just a mob without a leader”. On cue Old Fence, hanging around the Meadow ever since the last fence changing, looked up, drooled over the sea of sickly cows, amiably ambled to the head of the mob and announced, “This Fence here has eaten up all your grass and driven you to the MGD.” Fence saw thousands of pairs of accusing cow eyes turn upon it and stammered, “No, dear cows, it was Old Fence that ate up your grass. If it weren’t for the pigs I myself would starve…” Fence and Old Fence began trading charges. Sickly cows became righteously riotous. Milch cows and imported pigs looked on from the Meadow. Sickly others looked on from farther outside. The Lord of CUD looked on from above.
As the pandemonium grew, The Lord switched on His computer, input the scenario and pressed Enter. The screen flashed the default “Old Fashioned Urban Development Option”. Evict imported pigs. Downsize lots of milch cows. Get the right numbers. Equitably divide the Meadow amongst all cows. Introduce measures to stop fences from eating grass. The Lord shook his head and clicked Next. The screen flashed “CUD Option”. Leave the Meadow to milch cows and pigs (they keep it green whereas sickly cows will mess it up). Let as many Sickly Cows as needed to cool tempers be in the MGD and pack the others off to some wilderness. Use space that becomes surplus after throwing out Sickly Cows to expand the meadow for milch cows and pigs (who will keep it green). Change the laws that say MGDs are only for garbage, meadows are for all cows and fences are not to eat grass.
The Lord issued necessary directions for the CUD option to be executed. Some Sickly Cows were packed off to wilderness, where they starved to death. Milch cows and imported pigs got more Meadow and were happy. Fence grew plump and was happy. Old Fence made plans for next fence changing and was happy. Sickly cows ate at the same MGD and were, well, not happy, but glad to be left alone and alive. The Lord saw everyone happy and was happy. And CUD went on… happily.